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Nov 19, 2015
11/15
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if emojis aren't words -- >> boooo. >> larry: who is that? >> i'm [bleep], larry. >> larry: who? >> i'm the poop emoji and if any emoji deserves word of the year it's me. >> larry: what makes you better than faceless tears of joy? >> 2015 was a terrible year the only people texting tears of joy in 2015 were sadists. as far as i'm concern the most important emoji of 2015 is [bleep]. >> not so fast. >> larry: who are you? >> to say you don't know me would be a sin. >> larry: i think my daughter texted you when i got her beyonce tickets. >> i'm always here to bring religion. i think i should be oxford's choice. >> shut up you [bleep]. >> does someone say [bleep]? >> larry: who is that? >> eggplant. don't act like you don't know me larry. you use [bleep] all the time. you slide me into those d-sms. >> larry: surely you don't think you should be in the dictionary. >> you can't say dictionary without shouting me out. this should have happened a long time ago eve en if it's a way for the dictionary to stay relevant. i wish there was a quick way to express how impressed i am with myself.
if emojis aren't words -- >> boooo. >> larry: who is that? >> i'm [bleep], larry. >> larry: who? >> i'm the poop emoji and if any emoji deserves word of the year it's me. >> larry: what makes you better than faceless tears of joy? >> 2015 was a terrible year the only people texting tears of joy in 2015 were sadists. as far as i'm concern the most important emoji of 2015 is [bleep]. >> not so fast. >> larry: who are you? >> to say you...
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larry: ya? >> basically after you get through the nuances of a rand paul over ted cruise or jeb bush their views are pretty much the same. tax breaks the billionaires, cuts for medicare medicaid. most money for billionaire. >> larry: he's leg legitimate -- >> he's the republican dna. to make the rich richer and everyone else poorer. >> larry: okay. rand -- i don't know if he fits nicely -- >> his nuances are on positions that i agree with him on. >> larry: he is reaching out to black people. he went to howard, tperg ferguson. i think he has a show on bet. reaching out to the nerdy millennium and -- why is he going after people not likely to vote, bar a ton day? >>baratunday. >> he's reaching out to those left behind. the wiretapping. that's not something they hear politicians talking to their issues in the direct way. he's not doing what the gop hasn't done. if he reaches out to kwaeus and women maybe he can catch up. >> larry: one person clapping much. >> one person cares. nice. >> larry: is ra
larry: ya? >> basically after you get through the nuances of a rand paul over ted cruise or jeb bush their views are pretty much the same. tax breaks the billionaires, cuts for medicare medicaid. most money for billionaire. >> larry: he's leg legitimate -- >> he's the republican dna. to make the rich richer and everyone else poorer. >> larry: okay. rand -- i don't know if he fits nicely -- >> his nuances are on positions that i agree with him on. >> larry: he...
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mad ironical, ain't it, larry? >> larry: absolutely. so do you feel like justice is finally being done here? >> mike: i don't care about justice, larry. i just want to (bleep). >> larry: wait, wait, hold on, we're on television here. >> mike: larry, i have not been with my wife for 20 years! i don't know if i can wait to see her! >> larry: well, darnell, you don't have to wait because we've got a very special surprise for you. please welcome, your wife, candy duvall! >> mike: oh my god, candy! oh! (applause) this is some maury level (bleep), man! i'm so happy to see you, babe! >> holly: heeeeeey!! i'm so happy to see you, too, darnell! >> larry: so when we contacted you, i'm sure you had no idea you'd be talking to your husband. >> holly: yeah, i had no idea my husband's been wronged, larry! they put him in prison for nothing! >> mike: that's my baby! i can't wait to see you, boo! >> holly: you don't have to wait long. i'm going to see you next month, right on schedule. >> larry: no, no, you don't have to wait. he's getting out today! (
mad ironical, ain't it, larry? >> larry: absolutely. so do you feel like justice is finally being done here? >> mike: i don't care about justice, larry. i just want to (bleep). >> larry: wait, wait, hold on, we're on television here. >> mike: larry, i have not been with my wife for 20 years! i don't know if i can wait to see her! >> larry: well, darnell, you don't have to wait because we've got a very special surprise for you. please welcome, your wife, candy...
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, larry. the only thing hotter than the south in july is social justice. we're talking black stuff. [ laughter ] >> larry: black stuff is hot? no, no, no, grace. i'm not going to let you talk about slavery with your red carpet lingo. >> but, larry, 2016's hottest trend is acknowledging the contributions of those enslaved during america's darkest epoch -- slavery. [ laughter ] watch out, kunta kinte, 'cause there's a new slave in town, and his name is nearis green! [ laughter ] >> larry: grace, grace, stop it. stop raising the roof for slaves. okay? [ laughter ] please don't turn this into a competition for hollywood's hottest slave. [ laughter ] isn't it cynical that jack daniels is giving credit to a slave so that millennials will buy their liquor? >> laraldo, of course, is! [ laughter ] jd's thirst for that millennial money is more exposed than carey underwood's side leg at the cmas. that nashville star proved she's the real tennessee honey. >> larry: grace, focus! please. grace, aren't peop
, larry. the only thing hotter than the south in july is social justice. we're talking black stuff. [ laughter ] >> larry: black stuff is hot? no, no, no, grace. i'm not going to let you talk about slavery with your red carpet lingo. >> but, larry, 2016's hottest trend is acknowledging the contributions of those enslaved during america's darkest epoch -- slavery. [ laughter ] watch out, kunta kinte, 'cause there's a new slave in town, and his name is nearis green! [ laughter ]...
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Aug 19, 2016
08/16
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thank you very much. >> larry, larry, larry! >> larry: thank you, i appreciate it. please have a seat. >> larry, larry. >> larry: thank you, welcome to the nightly show. you're very kind, you're very t. >> i wu v you. >> larry: and i wu v yoú as well. i'm larry wilmore, your host for the next, well, 29 minutes and 341-- 31 seconds. now let me vus say it's never easy when your television show gets canceled. but have i to say for me, there has been a silver lining, you guys. all the free booze. really. no, really. oh my gosh! oh my gosh, samantha bee's show sent over some cases of wine, right. and then stephen colbert sent over an amazing assortment of liquor, right. okay, all right, so earlier today i could barely contain my excitement when i received a word that a package had arrived if our friends at the daily show and then i opened it up. (laughter) seriously? pastries, guys? how am i going to get wasted eating a stupid almond croissant. i pass out eating these but-- now let me just say john oliver sent over this. (cheers and applause) that's how you do it, daily
thank you very much. >> larry, larry, larry! >> larry: thank you, i appreciate it. please have a seat. >> larry, larry. >> larry: thank you, welcome to the nightly show. you're very kind, you're very t. >> i wu v you. >> larry: and i wu v yoú as well. i'm larry wilmore, your host for the next, well, 29 minutes and 341-- 31 seconds. now let me vus say it's never easy when your television show gets canceled. but have i to say for me, there has been a silver...
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, larry. for you. >> larry: no, no, no, no! (laughter) "hands up, don't shroom!" that's even worse. what's your problem? it's-a no good? >> i did it again! >> larry: you did it again. >> i am-a so sorry. do you like fruit? do you like the figs? >> larry: no, i hate figures! >> then i got the sign for you! >> larry: i have a feeling this is going to be horrible. >> look, larry. i included a certain someone you-a know! >> larry: "larry wilmore says: god hates figures." >> -- god hates figs. no, luigi! i never said that. >> what? figs are-a no good! you said so! >> larry: blank sign. just go with a blank sign. and make a pizza! >> make-a pizza, no war? >> larry: good! go with that one! >> god bless. >> larry: god mess you, too luigi. (cheers and applause) >> larry: all right. moving on to an outrageous story you probably saw trending on twitter today. this unarmed black man with his hands up is charles kinsey. now, before i go any further, i want you to know that he's olive -- i mean, alive. damn
, larry. for you. >> larry: no, no, no, no! (laughter) "hands up, don't shroom!" that's even worse. what's your problem? it's-a no good? >> i did it again! >> larry: you did it again. >> i am-a so sorry. do you like fruit? do you like the figs? >> larry: no, i hate figures! >> then i got the sign for you! >> larry: i have a feeling this is going to be horrible. >> look, larry. i included a certain someone you-a know! >> larry:...
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Mar 15, 2016
03/16
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let me do it, larry! >> larry: you can do the happy one. (music) >> larry: alright. grace parra, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) okay, what is this? ♪ (cheers and applause) it's chewy. really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts. ...has nothing to do with height. standing tall... the 1936 stubby bottle is back. we need to be ready for my name's scott strenfel and r i'm a meteorologist at pg&e. we make sure that our crews as well as our customers are prepared to how weather may impact their energy. so every single day we're monitoring the weather, and when storm events arise our forecast get crews out ahead of the storm to minimize any outages. during storm season we want our customers to be ready and stay safe. learn how you can be prepared at pge.com/beprepared. together, we're building a better california. when it comes to the fithings you love,. you want mo
let me do it, larry! >> larry: you can do the happy one. (music) >> larry: alright. grace parra, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) okay, what is this? ♪ (cheers and applause) it's chewy. really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts. ...has nothing to do with height. standing...
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Jan 22, 2016
01/16
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this is "nightly show." ( cheers and applause ) >> larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. thank you, so much. please, thank you. welcome-- i love it, "larry, larry." almost some harmony going on over there, i think. i'm not sure what it was. welcome to "the nightly show." i am larry wilmore. man, we have a great show tonight, but before we get to it, i have to take a minute and mention the winter storm that's hitting our nation. not the snowstorm, but the ( bleep ) storm coming out of this woman's mouth. >> our vets and you deserve a commander in chief who will respect what it is that our forces go through and would never leave them behind! a commander in chief who would never lie to the families of the fallen. >> larry: not this again. ( laughter ) i can't take it, you guys. i thought we left her behind in 2008 along with jeremiah wright and jack johnson. why is she still here? and, by the way, what prompted sarah palin to take a dump on obama as the commander in chief our military? >> police arrested track palin this week for allegedly assa
this is "nightly show." ( cheers and applause ) >> larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. thank you, so much. please, thank you. welcome-- i love it, "larry, larry." almost some harmony going on over there, i think. i'm not sure what it was. welcome to "the nightly show." i am larry wilmore. man, we have a great show tonight, but before we get to it, i have to take a minute and mention the winter storm that's hitting our nation. not the...
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Aug 19, 2015
08/15
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(laughter) >> larry: nwa? yes, larry. the negrometric wave accelerator. (laughter) (applause) >> larry: oh. okay. i never heard of that. >> yeah. and so far, her numbers are underwater. (laughter) and i'm not getting my hair wet to go save her. >> larry: okay. (laughter) i get it. i understand. i'll tell you what, why don't we look at the first clip? >> okay. america's first drug is free black labor and turning black bodies into profit. >> mm-hmm. and the mass incarceration system mirrors an awful lot like the prison plantation system. >> mm-hmm. (laughter) >> okay, larry, i want to stop it right here. >> larry: okay. i've just seen a spike in the meter. >> larry: really? yeah. i'm going to attribute it to hillary's "mm-hmms." (laughter) >> larry: wait, her "mm-hmms"? mm-hmm. (laughter) (applause) >> larry: okay. what did you notice? >> yeah. well, they started off nervous, but now she's doing exactly what black people like, letting somebody know what you're thinking by making an affirmative noise. >> larry: mm-hmm! mm-hmm! (laughter) >> exactly. exactly.
(laughter) >> larry: nwa? yes, larry. the negrometric wave accelerator. (laughter) (applause) >> larry: oh. okay. i never heard of that. >> yeah. and so far, her numbers are underwater. (laughter) and i'm not getting my hair wet to go save her. >> larry: okay. (laughter) i get it. i understand. i'll tell you what, why don't we look at the first clip? >> okay. america's first drug is free black labor and turning black bodies into profit. >> mm-hmm. and the...
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Apr 26, 2016
04/16
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(audience chanting larry) >> larry: they're right, i'm larry! what a great crowd, man monday night! (cheers and applause) we made a promise on this show not to forget about the people in flint, michigan and their ongoing water crisis. so let's check in with "the larry people vs. flint." i just like that music. all right, guys. april 25th is a very significant day. it marks exactly two years since the water source switchover that led to the pipe corrosion and the poisoning of the entire city. now the traditional gift for a two-year anniversary is cotton so i got flint this. (laughter) (applause) sorry it's not white. i made the mistake of washing it in flint water. (audience reacts) what, too soon? (laughter) and speaking of governor rick snyder, last week we covered how he pledged to drink flint water for 30 days to prove how safe it is. heard about that right? how's that going? >> happening right now, governor rick snyder is overseas. he left on his week-long trip to europe on saturday. the question many michigan residents wanted to know is if the governor would continue drinking f
(audience chanting larry) >> larry: they're right, i'm larry! what a great crowd, man monday night! (cheers and applause) we made a promise on this show not to forget about the people in flint, michigan and their ongoing water crisis. so let's check in with "the larry people vs. flint." i just like that music. all right, guys. april 25th is a very significant day. it marks exactly two years since the water source switchover that led to the pipe corrosion and the poisoning of the...
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>> larry! larry! larry! larry! >> larry: gracias, gracias, thank you very much. feliz cinco de mayo! yeeeaaah! ( cheers and applause ) i'm celebratin' con this burrito grande-- >> larry, stop it. >> larry: grace parra, everybody! >> yes, hello, hi. >> larry: hey, grace! happy mexican july 4th! >> oh, my god, larry! it's not mexico's independence day. cinco de mayo honors mexico's unexpected victory over the french at the battle of puebla in 1862. >> larry: yay! ( cheers and applause ) mexico beat the french! wooo! >> until the french returned a year later and beat the (bleep) out of mexico-- lakes of blood, corpses everywhere. >> larry: oh, okay. >> yeah. >> larry: all right, maybe i'll just have a margarita! ( cheers and applause ) >> even though cinco de mayo was invented by beer companies to sell their swill to spanish speakers. but, hey, if you want to exploit our culture just for an excuse to drink, knock yourself out. >> larry: grace parra, everybody! >> it's parrrra! >> larry: get out you of here. all right, fine. okay, that was a slightly inappropriate ce
>> larry! larry! larry! larry! >> larry: gracias, gracias, thank you very much. feliz cinco de mayo! yeeeaaah! ( cheers and applause ) i'm celebratin' con this burrito grande-- >> larry, stop it. >> larry: grace parra, everybody! >> yes, hello, hi. >> larry: hey, grace! happy mexican july 4th! >> oh, my god, larry! it's not mexico's independence day. cinco de mayo honors mexico's unexpected victory over the french at the battle of puebla in 1862....
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry! larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. please, please be seated. such a great crowd tonight. look at this crowd. please be seated. such a great crowd. welcome to "the nightly show." i am larry wilmore. lewis black on the show tonight. ( cheers and applause ) yup. i will be voting for him for president. you guys got it out of me. but, man, big night in iowa last night so let's check in with the continuing and seemingly non-ending effort to denegroify the white house. let's see what's happening with the unblackening. >> ted cruz won last night the iowa republican caucus with 20% of the vote. >> larry: yeah, that's right, donald trump who predicted he'd win so much we'd get tired of it, came in second. or in other words, you're a loosah! a loosah! will the owner of a blue toyota come outside. you left your lightses on. blue toyota, left your lights on, thank you. the biggest takeaway from last night was iowa's voting process. it's an absolute mess, you guys. i mean, look how they were just with
captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry! larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. please, please be seated. such a great crowd tonight. look at this crowd. please be seated. such a great crowd. welcome to "the nightly show." i am larry wilmore. lewis black on the show tonight. ( cheers and applause ) yup. i will be voting for him for president. you guys got it out of me. but, man, big night in iowa last night so let's check in...
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Jan 29, 2016
01/16
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. >> larry, larry, larry. >> larry: thank you very much, thank you, you're too kind. what a great crowd, man. thank you so much. on a thursday night. i know. on a trumpless debate night. wow, it's exciting. welcome to the nightly show. i'm larry wilmore. now guys, as you know, president obama only has about 11 months left in office. you know, let's check in in the latest developments in obama-don't-care. okay. tonight's target, law enforcement. >> the obama administration is asking local law enforcement agencies nationwide to return federal military equipment by april 1st after concerns it was being misused. >> larry: okay. well, what kind of equipment are we talking about, nautilus machines, snowblowers, thigh masters? >> grenade launchers, high caliber weapon, bayonnettes, high tanks with tracks, not wheel, weapon onize aircraft. >> mine resistant trucks. >> loud sirens that can cause pain, loss of balance, eardrum rupture and permanent hearing damage. >> larry: what? jesus, that's the kind of equipment our local cops have? what is this, call of duty, the verb? seri
. >> larry, larry, larry. >> larry: thank you very much, thank you, you're too kind. what a great crowd, man. thank you so much. on a thursday night. i know. on a trumpless debate night. wow, it's exciting. welcome to the nightly show. i'm larry wilmore. now guys, as you know, president obama only has about 11 months left in office. you know, let's check in in the latest developments in obama-don't-care. okay. tonight's target, law enforcement. >> the obama administration is...
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Jul 23, 2015
07/15
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larry: okay. open up your eyes. larry: let me ask you this, mike. does that mean you think trump can beat hillary? >> you mean suge knight? (laughter) larry, are you asking me if macklemore can beat suge knight? (laughter) larry, answer that yourself. >> larry: it's not really what i said. but i think the answer's no. >> there you go. larry: mike yard, everybody. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) dave's been working on his game, and starting each day with a delicious bowl of heart healthy kellogg's raisin bran. how's your cereal? sweet! tastes like winning. how would you know what winning tastes like? invest in your heart health, with kellogg's raisin bran. no crying today... ♪ if you can't stand the heat, get off the test track. get the mercedes-benz you've been burning for at the summer event, going on now at your authorized mercedes-benz dealer. hurry, before this opportunity cools off. share your summer moments in your mercedes-benz with us. this is the story of a family who was con
larry: okay. open up your eyes. larry: let me ask you this, mike. does that mean you think trump can beat hillary? >> you mean suge knight? (laughter) larry, are you asking me if macklemore can beat suge knight? (laughter) larry, answer that yourself. >> larry: it's not really what i said. but i think the answer's no. >> there you go. larry: mike yard, everybody. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) dave's been working on his game, and starting each day with a delicious...
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May 20, 2015
05/15
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>> larry: who was that? >> jack: larry, that's oprah! >> larry: oprah? >> only the most famous woman in the world. >> larry: first of all, she doesn't even look like oprah. secondly, she's in a wheelchair! >> jack: yeah, i know. it's kind of sad. i guess after her show got canceled, she hit some hard times. >> larry: look, jack, i think you need to stop making up who people are. have you ever considered asking somebody who they are and just believing them? >> jack: that doesn't sound like journalism, larry. oh! rick james! rick! >> larry: jack, everybody! (cheers and applause) although reporters may have been confusing people, the police were not. now look how the police responded to this black guy who was out past curfew. now, you might say, "well, larry, he's out past curfew, he's wearing a" (bleep) the police" t-shirt, he's walking towards the police... why reason with him? please, please, larry. don't make this about race. i'm sure they treated anyone out past curfew the same. okay, i know you're going to show us a clip of how they treated white curf
>> larry: who was that? >> jack: larry, that's oprah! >> larry: oprah? >> only the most famous woman in the world. >> larry: first of all, she doesn't even look like oprah. secondly, she's in a wheelchair! >> jack: yeah, i know. it's kind of sad. i guess after her show got canceled, she hit some hard times. >> larry: look, jack, i think you need to stop making up who people are. have you ever considered asking somebody who they are and just believing...
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>> larry: no, dre. i just said cosby' already posted bail, which makes me question if you're even watching the show. >> dre: sorry, larry. i got one of those cool remote control "star wars" robots for christmas, so i have been a little distracted. but it's cosby! in jail! come on, let me drop at least a couple of balloons. (cheering) >> larry: okay, fine. you can drop a couple of balloons. (laughter) >> larry: so sad! okay. i wasn't sure what that was. so he's out on bail. but the case is like a slam dunk, right? he's going to get convicted, right? >> what challenges, if any, does the prosecution face in proving cosby guilty? >> this particular case, you don't have physical evidence. you don't have eyewitnesses. >> they've got to prove something that happened 12 years ago without physical evidence, and when the woman reported over a year after it happened. >> larry: oh, umm, i know we bothers tend to rail against a rush to judgment, but if you could rush to judgment on this particular case, i can talk t
>> larry: no, dre. i just said cosby' already posted bail, which makes me question if you're even watching the show. >> dre: sorry, larry. i got one of those cool remote control "star wars" robots for christmas, so i have been a little distracted. but it's cosby! in jail! come on, let me drop at least a couple of balloons. (cheering) >> larry: okay, fine. you can drop a couple of balloons. (laughter) >> larry: so sad! okay. i wasn't sure what that was. so he's...
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Apr 14, 2015
04/15
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. >> larry: okay. we've got these hispanic small business owners. in theory, i'm a fan of both hispanic people and the concept of brothers. a couple assembling baby furniture. i'm strongly in favor of attractive people having babies and putting the babies in furniture. well done. a young job hunter. i certainly support jobs. and the people hunting them. and that they can be young. awwww, a boyfriend and a girlfriend holding hands that's -- a gay couple?! you got me hillary. see, i thought it was a straight couple, but then they were gay! which i like! but my favorite character in hillary's ad was this guy. >> but most importantly, we just want to teach our dog to quit eating the trash. (laughter) (applause) >> larry: wait. are you trying to tell us that as president, you will promise to keep dogs out of the trash? okay. as long as you get around to i.s.i.s., too, i'm cool. besides trash dog, you know who also appeared in this ad? hillary clinton. from politics. >> i'm getting ready to do something, too
. >> larry: okay. we've got these hispanic small business owners. in theory, i'm a fan of both hispanic people and the concept of brothers. a couple assembling baby furniture. i'm strongly in favor of attractive people having babies and putting the babies in furniture. well done. a young job hunter. i certainly support jobs. and the people hunting them. and that they can be young. awwww, a boyfriend and a girlfriend holding hands that's -- a gay couple?! you got me hillary. see, i thought...
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. >> larry: oh. >> lying is one of corruption's best friends. >> larry: oh. i get it. it's not just the police video there was another video recorded at like a burger king that may have captured the whole incident but then this happened. >> police came into the restaurant shortly after the shooting, demanded access to the video system and then the next day when the district manager came to look at the footage it was gone. it was deleted. >> larry: bleated, winkles. how do you explain that? >> did somebody say deleted? >> it's gary the garbage man. >> larry: oh, my gosh. >> he cleans all the messes around corruption junction. >> hi, kids. >> larry: what, hey, what are you doing, gary? >> it's the next step, a-b-c-d, larry, d. destroy all loose ends. >> larry: you can't do that. >> you can in corruption junction. did you know burger king had 86 minutes of footage and now it's all gone. yay! >> larry: wait, why am i clapping. this isn't right. thankfully the dash-cam wasn't deleted and the judge ordered it to be released but if he hadn't ordered that he wouldn't have been
. >> larry: oh. >> lying is one of corruption's best friends. >> larry: oh. i get it. it's not just the police video there was another video recorded at like a burger king that may have captured the whole incident but then this happened. >> police came into the restaurant shortly after the shooting, demanded access to the video system and then the next day when the district manager came to look at the footage it was gone. it was deleted. >> larry: bleated, winkles....
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[laughing] >> larry: it wasn't me. [laughing] >> larry: alright. it was me. the new york city minimum wage will increase from 11 in th 11.5 an hour. congratulations, new yorkers you can save for that side of guac you have wanted. and robot police for silicon valley. this is "the nightly show" ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] >> larry: ya. welcome to the "nightly show" i'm your host larry wilmore. about to go into space with ben carson, me and him. i'm announcing it right now on the show. it's an inside joke. you have to see "the nightly show." [cheers and applause] >> larry: oh, tonight we're joined by the man of a thousand voices hank azaria is going to be on the show. very funny. [cheers and applause] >> larry: funny and talented actor all in one package. by the way, good news for people living in new york. the mayor bill de blasio announced a change. >> minimum wage workers make 11.50 an hour. a increase of $15 an hour by 2018. >> larry: 2018, $15 an hour will go a long way in post apo
[laughing] >> larry: it wasn't me. [laughing] >> larry: alright. it was me. the new york city minimum wage will increase from 11 in th 11.5 an hour. congratulations, new yorkers you can save for that side of guac you have wanted. and robot police for silicon valley. this is "the nightly show" ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] >> larry: ya. welcome to the "nightly show" i'm your host...
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he's a scallywag, larry. >> larry: a scallywag? >> yeah. he loves to wag his scally! >> larry: no, no, no. ( cheers and applause ) this toy set just keeps getting worse and worse. >> larry, just because pirates were nasty doesn't mean that they still can't be fun. remember johnny depp as captain jack sparrow. he was a filthy, drunken, murdering thief. >> larry: yeah. >> my son loved him. and i would have slept with him. ( laughter ) >> larry: well, this sound horrible. isn't the legacy of pirate ships as bad as any other horrible legacy? >> larry, look, pirates are the last group that can do bad stuff, and we adore them for it. they're lovable. right down to their accents. for instance, could anyone get away with calling you blackie? >> larry: not in this lifetime. ( laughter ) >> exactly. but listen to it with a pirate accent. aaarrgh! hello, blackieee! aaarrgh. aaarrgh. >> larry: yeah, i guess it does kind of seem delightful. i don't know. >> right? >> larry: yeah, i guess. >> now listen to me say the "n" word with a pirate accent, aaarrgh -- >> no, no, no, that's o
he's a scallywag, larry. >> larry: a scallywag? >> yeah. he loves to wag his scally! >> larry: no, no, no. ( cheers and applause ) this toy set just keeps getting worse and worse. >> larry, just because pirates were nasty doesn't mean that they still can't be fun. remember johnny depp as captain jack sparrow. he was a filthy, drunken, murdering thief. >> larry: yeah. >> my son loved him. and i would have slept with him. ( laughter ) >> larry: well, this...
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(bleep) that guy, larry! >> larry: you're right. by the way, great job at the correspondents dinner. i loved it. >> larry: thanks, i guess. arry, it ain't just my boy idi who's creeped out by this creep. break it down for him, adolph. get out here! >> my boy! hold for applause! george zimmerman is a fat tub of rancid goat (bleep). reasonable people like us can agree on this, nein? >> larry: uh, i would say i would rather not agree with you on anything. >> look, i've done some bad stuff, and even some stuff you don't know about -- i invented crocs. >> yes, he did! >> larry: you invented crocs? i told you -- i'm evil. but i will not have the hitler name associated with george zimmerman! by the way, loved the correspondents dinner. >> larry: thanks, i guess. it was good. it was good. >> look, larry, we gotta go, evil doesn't rest-we have to get to work on overturning that tom brady suspension. >> everyone: go patriots! hell's team! (cheers and applause) >> larry: we'll be right back. freedom is in the air. because now you're free to wa
(bleep) that guy, larry! >> larry: you're right. by the way, great job at the correspondents dinner. i loved it. >> larry: thanks, i guess. arry, it ain't just my boy idi who's creeped out by this creep. break it down for him, adolph. get out here! >> my boy! hold for applause! george zimmerman is a fat tub of rancid goat (bleep). reasonable people like us can agree on this, nein? >> larry: uh, i would say i would rather not agree with you on anything. >> look,...
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you, larry. >> thank you. >> larry: you're welcome. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) and when you bundle your home and auto insurance through progressive, you'll save a bundle! [ laughs ] jamie. right. make a bad bundle joke a buck goes in the jar. i guess that's just how the cookie bundles. now, you're gonna have two bundles of joy! i'm not pregnant. i'm gonna go. [ tapping, cash register dings ] there you go. [ buzzing ] bundle bee coming! it was worth it! saving you a bundle when you bundle -- now, that's progressive. ♪baby, baby, babe♪ ♪i'm coming home now♪ ♪to your tender sweet loving♪ ♪you're my one and only woman♪ ♪ warning. this commercial contains brief moments of product nudity. stripped of chocolate. its peanuts exposed around a soft caramel center. a payday bar will get you through your day. expose yourself to payday. man: i'll have the meat loaf. what about you? sorry, just getting a quote on motorcycle insurance from progressive. yeah? yeah, they have safe rider discounts and with total loss
you, larry. >> thank you. >> larry: you're welcome. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) and when you bundle your home and auto insurance through progressive, you'll save a bundle! [ laughs ] jamie. right. make a bad bundle joke a buck goes in the jar. i guess that's just how the cookie bundles. now, you're gonna have two bundles of joy! i'm not pregnant. i'm gonna go. [ tapping, cash register dings ] there you go. [ buzzing ] bundle bee coming! it was worth it! saving you a...
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>> larry: no. what is it? >> the wood badge, larry. >> larry: really? is that true? >> oh, yes. and if you didn't know, wood is a synonym for boner. >> larry: actually, i did know that it just sounds like you are generalizing the things that gay guys like. >> oh, i amgen liesing. >> larry: yeah. >> kind of like the mormons do. >> larry: okay. fair enough. i get it, but what about the boy scout oath which calls on the scouts to quote keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight. >> larry, that is the gayest part of the scouts. >> larry: how is that possible? >> oh, straight, it is the classic gay misdirect. you know, it is like the more a politician goes off against gay rights, the more you know he gets off to liam hemsworth. ha, ha, ha. oh, god! >> zing! >> larry: that is an amazing zing, by the way. very good. >> zing! [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: okay. all right. but isn't it possible that they just really don't like gays? >> oh, i never thought of that. i mean, i guess it is possible, larry. but when you really break it down, neckerchiefs don't lie.
>> larry: no. what is it? >> the wood badge, larry. >> larry: really? is that true? >> oh, yes. and if you didn't know, wood is a synonym for boner. >> larry: actually, i did know that it just sounds like you are generalizing the things that gay guys like. >> oh, i amgen liesing. >> larry: yeah. >> kind of like the mormons do. >> larry: okay. fair enough. i get it, but what about the boy scout oath which calls on the scouts to quote keep...
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Oct 13, 2015
10/15
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. >> larry: thanks again toms. pe. (laughter). >> larry: thanks again toms. pe. we'll be right back. they don't have one. (laughter). >> larry: thanks again toms. pe. we'll be right back. but they do. for the low price of completely free forever, you can get your credit score from creditkarma.com love your score. take care of it for free at creditkarma.com well, he's leveraged to the [shrieks]. [laughing] avvo? i love baby statues. i love you. aww [grunts as bags hit him] [gasps] avvo. avvo. [gasps] door slam avvo. when you need a lawyer start your search at avvo and find the lawyer who's right for you. avvo. let's find your lawyer. my doctor says i havey, what's skittles pox. are they contagious? i don't think so. contract the rainbow! taste the rainbow! it's gotten squarer. over the years. brighter. bigger. it's gotten thinner. even curvier. but what's next? for all binge watchers. movie geeks. sports freaks. x1 from xfinity will change the way you experience tv. >> larry: welcome back.nightly e yard. performing at the new york comedy festival november 129. he
. >> larry: thanks again toms. pe. (laughter). >> larry: thanks again toms. pe. we'll be right back. they don't have one. (laughter). >> larry: thanks again toms. pe. we'll be right back. but they do. for the low price of completely free forever, you can get your credit score from creditkarma.com love your score. take care of it for free at creditkarma.com well, he's leveraged to the [shrieks]. [laughing] avvo? i love baby statues. i love you. aww [grunts as bags hit him]...
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you, larry. >> thank you. >> larry: you're welcome. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) (music) i'm supposed to tell you how it feels when you book the perfect family vacation on hotels.com. but i think he's kinda nailing it. (music) hotels.com. they don't need me right now. ♪ (music throughout) ♪ sfx: (smash) sfx: (roar) ♪ sfx: (roar) sfx: (engine roars) catch you tomorrow. thank you. i've always done whatever it takes to get to the next level. how bad do you want it? he's got a world of talent. jabari parker off to duke university. push it! come on! no pain! parker! the bucks select jabari parker. let's go! come on! jabari parker being carried to the lockerroom. it never gets any easier. but i will get stronger. because my story is far from over. gatorade recover. protien for athlete building. ♪baby, baby, babe♪ ♪i'm coming home now♪ ♪to your tender sweet loving♪ ♪you're my one and only woman♪ ♪ what do you think? when i first sit in the seat it makes me think of a bmw. i feel like i'm in a lexus. you
you, larry. >> thank you. >> larry: you're welcome. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) (music) i'm supposed to tell you how it feels when you book the perfect family vacation on hotels.com. but i think he's kinda nailing it. (music) hotels.com. they don't need me right now. ♪ (music throughout) ♪ sfx: (smash) sfx: (roar) ♪ sfx: (roar) sfx: (engine roars) catch you tomorrow. thank you. i've always done whatever it takes to get to the next level. how bad do you want...
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i'm larry wilmore. before we get to our top story, i have to mention march madness. >> here we go, boys! march madness basketball 2016! it's boner time! >> larry: i forgot. there is an explosion. (laughter) yup! boner time's back, you guys! for those of you not hip to our competition, here's how it goes. i have a dare for every sweet sixteen team in the ncaa tournament. that's right, 16 teams, 16 dares. every time a team wins, that dare advances, all the way to the championship. whichever team wins is the dare i'll have to do. last year the duke blue devils won and i had to do the show in spandex. (cheers and applause) ahh the memories... and the chafing. so this year, if gonzaga wins, then i'll have to do a choreographed dance to "formation." (cheers and applause) that one comes from hannah kerman. you really hate me, don't you hannah? it's great you guys have been sending these in. there's a lot of other dares, from me having to dress up as a klingon, to me having to host the show drunk. that is my fa
i'm larry wilmore. before we get to our top story, i have to mention march madness. >> here we go, boys! march madness basketball 2016! it's boner time! >> larry: i forgot. there is an explosion. (laughter) yup! boner time's back, you guys! for those of you not hip to our competition, here's how it goes. i have a dare for every sweet sixteen team in the ncaa tournament. that's right, 16 teams, 16 dares. every time a team wins, that dare advances, all the way to the championship....
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thank you. >> larry! larry! larry! larry! larry! larry. >> larry: thank you. i am larry wilmore. the suspense is broken. as you may know in our top news tonight, a jury is currently deliberating the punishment for boston bomber and "rolling stone" cover model, dzhokhar tsarnaev. >> guilty on all 30 counts. that was the jury's unanimous decision earlier this week in the boston marathon bombing case against dzhokhar tsarnaev. >> larry: wow! 30 counts. man. those are cosby numbers. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's right, ( bleep ). i haven't forgotten about you. just sayin'. i haven't forgot forgotten. now, among the victims a girl and boy and 264 injured and 17 lost limbs and he was caught on video doing it. and check out his defense. >> defense attorney judy clarke argued that tsarnaev chose that spot not to target kids but because there was a tree there. ( laughter ). >> larry: yeah ( bleep ) trees. ( laughter ) okay. sentencing time. >> next week, the jury begins deliberations on a much tougher question-- should tsarnaev be put to death for this? >> larry: well, the death penalt
thank you. >> larry! larry! larry! larry! larry! larry. >> larry: thank you. i am larry wilmore. the suspense is broken. as you may know in our top news tonight, a jury is currently deliberating the punishment for boston bomber and "rolling stone" cover model, dzhokhar tsarnaev. >> guilty on all 30 counts. that was the jury's unanimous decision earlier this week in the boston marathon bombing case against dzhokhar tsarnaev. >> larry: wow! 30 counts. man. those...
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i am larry larry, larry larry. [ laughter ] our good friend bassem youssef is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he good, y'all. he good. [ laughter ] all right. so this morning, i'm having a little "morning joe. i'm watching a little "morning joe," and i had a little moment of whoa! [ laughter ] guys they put together a montage of hillary's statements about her emails from a year ago with the fbi director's statements from yesterday. ooh, enscwroip --enjoy. >> i thought it would be easier to carry just one device. >> she also used numerous mobile devices to send and to read email. >> so that the emails were immediately captured and preserved. >> there was no archiving at all of her emails. >> there were no security breaches. >> it is possible that hostile actors gained access. >> there is no classified materials. >> 110 emails contained classified information. [ laughter ] >> good morning. [ laughter ] >> larry: yes! good morning! [ laughter ] oh, my god. if they were that rough on hillary on msnbc, i can't imagine what they were doing over at fox. [ laughter ] right? you know, i
i am larry larry, larry larry. [ laughter ] our good friend bassem youssef is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he good, y'all. he good. [ laughter ] all right. so this morning, i'm having a little "morning joe. i'm watching a little "morning joe," and i had a little moment of whoa! [ laughter ] guys they put together a montage of hillary's statements about her emails from a year ago with the fbi director's statements from yesterday. ooh, enscwroip --enjoy. >> i thought...
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welcome to "the nightly show." >> audience: larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. i'm larry wilmore, and, yes -- no, that's beautiful. i appreciate it, and, yes i am in a spandex tux. it's called class. look it up. ( laughter ) in case some of you are wondering why i'm wearing all this manly spandex or mandex as i like to call it-- if you don't know i promised if dukakis won the n.c.a.a. championship i'd host the show in spandex. and as someone pointed out earlier, why did i do that if i was the boss? ( laughter ) thank you very much for pointing that out. now here we are i'm taiging my medicine. i'm taking it, right? i'm doing it inspect. i'm doing it. this is what i had to do. ( applause ) it's all right. it's elect oop-- i want to thank all the members of the audience who wore spandex out of solidarity. let's turn on the spandex-cam. yeah. ♪ ♪ ♪ that's what we're talking about. that's my fanned-ex people of thank you guys so much. i really appreciate all your support. okay, now -- >> hey larry. we need to stop for a second. >> larry: oh, shoot, i'm sorry.
welcome to "the nightly show." >> audience: larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. i'm larry wilmore, and, yes -- no, that's beautiful. i appreciate it, and, yes i am in a spandex tux. it's called class. look it up. ( laughter ) in case some of you are wondering why i'm wearing all this manly spandex or mandex as i like to call it-- if you don't know i promised if dukakis won the n.c.a.a. championship i'd host the show in spandex. and as someone pointed out...
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. >> larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you, very nice. oh, thank you. no, y'all, i ain't finished. larry, all right! now we can sit. thank you very much, sir. appreciate that. welcome to "the nightly show." i am larry! got a great show. miss wendy williams on the show tonight, you guys. ( cheers and applause ) love that woman. we're going to find out how she's doing tonight. okay, so, all right, guys, so we've talked about the fact that this is obama's last year, and that, you know, he just doesn't give a ( bleep ) what people think about him anymore. or as we like to call it, "obama don't care." like, he's signing an exclusive order on guns, opening ties to cube aletting brothers out of jail, she's got michelle rapping. all that stuff. right, okay. and now this-- >> president obama used his first visit to a mosque in the united states today to try ask correct what he calls a hugely distorted impression of muslim americans. >> larry: ooooooh! the so-called secret muslim visited a mosque. ladies and gentlemen, that's right, he's reached absolute zero on
. >> larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you, very nice. oh, thank you. no, y'all, i ain't finished. larry, all right! now we can sit. thank you very much, sir. appreciate that. welcome to "the nightly show." i am larry! got a great show. miss wendy williams on the show tonight, you guys. ( cheers and applause ) love that woman. we're going to find out how she's doing tonight. okay, so, all right, guys, so we've talked about the fact that this is obama's last year, and...
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>> hell, yes, larry. let me tell you something, white people could get an open-carry permit and neighborhood watch badge and suddenly they're captain america. it's a lot harder for a black vigilante like me. ( laughter ) >> larry: um you're a vigilante? >> yeah, i'm vidge. mike yard is just my secret identity. out in the streets they call me "black ice." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> larry: i didn't know that. black ice? how come i've never heard of you? >> oh you've heard of me. >> watch your step, think smart, and watch out for black ice. >> that is black ice. >> black ice, talking about black ice. >> take care and watch out for black ice. >> black ice right outside your front door. ( cheers and applause ) >> that's right, larry. i'm invisible and slippery. ( laughter ). >> larry: another well, this is amazing. so mike you're out in your neighborhood trying to keep it safe. >> i got 36 arrests under my utility belt. >> larry: you put a lot of criminals away. >> no no, no i've been arrested 36 times. ( la
>> hell, yes, larry. let me tell you something, white people could get an open-carry permit and neighborhood watch badge and suddenly they're captain america. it's a lot harder for a black vigilante like me. ( laughter ) >> larry: um you're a vigilante? >> yeah, i'm vidge. mike yard is just my secret identity. out in the streets they call me "black ice." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> larry: i didn't know that. black ice? how come i've never heard of you?...
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let me do it, larry! >> larry: you can do the happy one. (music) >> larry: alright. grace parra, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) thank you so much. did you say honey? hey, try some? you know i'm always looking for real honey for honey nut cheerios. well you've come to the right place. mind if i have another taste? not at all mmm part of a complete breakfast (neighbor) yeah, so we're just bringing your son home. (dad) ah! greetings, neighbor. neighbor boy. he really loves our wireless directv receiver. (dad) he should know better. we're settlers. we settle for cable. but let us repay you for your troubles. fresh milk for the journey home? (neighbor) we live right there. (dad) salted meats? (neighbor) no thank you. (dad) hats then! (vo) don't be a settler, get a $100 reward card when you switch to directv. has half-price shakes for st. patrick's day. aww, i forgot to wear something green today. 'cause i just woke up, put on my cologne and left the house. - put on your cologne? - you want some? save some green with half-price shakes on st.
let me do it, larry! >> larry: you can do the happy one. (music) >> larry: alright. grace parra, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) thank you so much. did you say honey? hey, try some? you know i'm always looking for real honey for honey nut cheerios. well you've come to the right place. mind if i have another taste? not at all mmm part of a complete breakfast (neighbor) yeah, so we're just bringing your son home. (dad) ah! greetings, neighbor. neighbor...
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10/15
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. >> larry: thanks again toms. pe. (laughter). >> larry: thanks again toms. pe. we'll be right back. ♪ it's the final countdown! ♪ ♪ the final countdown! if you're the band europe, you love a final countdown. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. welcome to the simple life, making cidre. the apples have to be picked by hand. this one. ♪ for a sophisticated taste, say bonjour to the simple life. >> larry: welcome back.nightly e yard. performing at the new york comedy festival november 129. he whats got a series on snapchat discover swawled swagasau ru s, comedian james davis and his new album comes out on november spt, rapper jeezy. joining our conversation right now on twitter@nightly show using hash tal tonightly. last week new york magazine featured an article called the par a doks of the first black president. asking whether obama has done enough for the black community. so my question is has obama done enough for the black people and is that his job. >> i definitely don't
. >> larry: thanks again toms. pe. (laughter). >> larry: thanks again toms. pe. we'll be right back. ♪ it's the final countdown! ♪ ♪ the final countdown! if you're the band europe, you love a final countdown. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. welcome to the simple life, making cidre. the apples have to be picked by hand. this one. ♪ for a sophisticated taste, say bonjour to the simple life....
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i'm larry wilmore. now, the big story today that all the kids are talking about, israeli prime minister benjamin netanyahu-- or bibi as those of us who vacation with him call him-- ( laughter ) spoke to congress about the u.s.' upcoming negotiations with iran. >> i feel a profound obligation to speak to you about an issue that could well threaten the survival of my country and the future of my people. iran's quest for nuclear weapons. >> larry: man, that-- that sounds really familiar. >> and our focus should be how do we stop iran from getting a nuclear weapon? >> larry: that's right. obama spoke about the same thing yesterday, and everybody knows what's on iran's mind. this is their official to-do list. ( laughter ) i mean-- it's not a-- it's not a mystery, is all i'm saying. so why is netanyahu here telling us the same thing our president told us the day before? i mean, me could have just called, could have facetimed us, goog handout. >> speaker john boehner and house republicans invited netanyahu wit
i'm larry wilmore. now, the big story today that all the kids are talking about, israeli prime minister benjamin netanyahu-- or bibi as those of us who vacation with him call him-- ( laughter ) spoke to congress about the u.s.' upcoming negotiations with iran. >> i feel a profound obligation to speak to you about an issue that could well threaten the survival of my country and the future of my people. iran's quest for nuclear weapons. >> larry: man, that-- that sounds really...
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>> larry: ok, gentlemen. that noise means it's time to switch sides and argue the opposite perspective. because remember-- ( applause ) that's right. remember, we're on cable tv and this is a mindless argument. >> no, i'm not doing it. every single time we do this segment, you guys twist me around and make me look like i hate black people! >> larry: mike, when the three of us went to counseling together, what did dr. tanner say? >> to trust larry and rory. they're sorry and they won't hurt me again. >> larry: and that's real, my brother. that (bleep) is real. >> i love you, mike. let's just do a great second half of this segment. >> all right. >> larry: great. now rory will be against voter i.d. laws and mike will try to undo 300 years of progress for blacks. ready? >> sounds good. >> but dr. tanner said-- >> larry: and begin! >> (bleep) my life. all right, i guess voter i.d. laws are an important safeguard against fraud because one foundation of a solid democracy is believing the process is fair. >> wow! loo
>> larry: ok, gentlemen. that noise means it's time to switch sides and argue the opposite perspective. because remember-- ( applause ) that's right. remember, we're on cable tv and this is a mindless argument. >> no, i'm not doing it. every single time we do this segment, you guys twist me around and make me look like i hate black people! >> larry: mike, when the three of us went to counseling together, what did dr. tanner say? >> to trust larry and rory. they're sorry...
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thank you very much. >> larry larry, larry. larry: we have such a greatshow. i appreciate every time every time do you that especially when it's jennifer's birthday. it means so much. it does. am i right? you guys, you guys remembered me on jennifer's birthday. see? that's why this is my crowd. i am larry wilmore, less' get to our show. last week attorney general loretta lynch convened a meeting with dozens of america's top police officers, the goal was to figure out why so many cities are seeing a spike in their murder rates. we were asked to join that meeting with attorney general lynch but i had to say we found the invitation a bit confusing. (laughter) yeah, so yeah, you know what i'm saying yeah. so instinctively we decided to avoid it. luckily "the washington post" was in attendance and according to their reporters police have an interesting theory as to why murders are on the rise. >> that theory as the post puts it is quote officers in american cities have pulled back and have stopped policing as aggressively as they used to fearing that they could be
thank you very much. >> larry larry, larry. larry: we have such a greatshow. i appreciate every time every time do you that especially when it's jennifer's birthday. it means so much. it does. am i right? you guys, you guys remembered me on jennifer's birthday. see? that's why this is my crowd. i am larry wilmore, less' get to our show. last week attorney general loretta lynch convened a meeting with dozens of america's top police officers, the goal was to figure out why so many cities...
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you, larry. >> thank you. >> larry: you're welcome. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) dear stranger, when i booked this trip, my friends said i was crazy. why would i stay in someone else's house? but this morning a city i've never been to felt like one i already knew. i just wanted to thank you for sharing your world with me. it felt like home. airbnb. belong anywhere. [music playing] this beer... light beer... ...is one of the hardest beers in the world to brew. mainly, because there are no heavy flavors to hide any imperfections. and it just so happens that miller lite has won more gold medals than any other light beer. now there's some bar room trivia for you. it's miller time. when francois thibault said he was going to make vodka in cognac with spring water and the best french wheat. everyone here said... non, non! but little by little the world got to love what he had made. grey goose, francois? the extraordinary belongs to those who make it. ( cheers and applause ). >> larry: welcome back. anyhow, i fell asleep on th
you, larry. >> thank you. >> larry: you're welcome. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) dear stranger, when i booked this trip, my friends said i was crazy. why would i stay in someone else's house? but this morning a city i've never been to felt like one i already knew. i just wanted to thank you for sharing your world with me. it felt like home. airbnb. belong anywhere. [music playing] this beer... light beer... ...is one of the hardest beers in the world to brew. mainly,...
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let me do it, larry! >> larry: you can do the happy one. (music) >> larry: alright. grace parra, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) think you know t-mobile's coverage? think again! ♪ (cheers and applause) in the last year we've doubled our lte coverage. our new extended-range lte now reaches twice as far... ...and is 4 times better in buildings. see for yourself at t-mobile.com slash coverage. put more fun in your day with ice-cream-flavored coffees at dunkin' donuts. go for delicious flavors like butter pecan, cookie dough, or new pistachio. enjoy one today. america runs on dunkin'. (cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, nightly show contributor ricky velez (cheers and applause) nightly show contributor mike yard. (cheers and applause) and her new hit series "underground" airs wednesday nights on w.g.n. america, actor jurnee smollett-bell. and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter "at nightly show" using the hashtag "tonightly." vience has been breaking out over the last
let me do it, larry! >> larry: you can do the happy one. (music) >> larry: alright. grace parra, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) think you know t-mobile's coverage? think again! ♪ (cheers and applause) in the last year we've doubled our lte coverage. our new extended-range lte now reaches twice as far... ...and is 4 times better in buildings. see for yourself at t-mobile.com slash coverage. put more fun in your day with ice-cream-flavored coffees at...
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i am larry, larry, larry, larry. you know what time it is -- let's see what's happening wh the unblackening. oh, sorry. by the way... on saturday, the "new york times" published something that really disturbed me. >> the presumptive republican nominee coming under fire amid new allegations of inappropriate behavior with women, dozens of women revealing to the "new york times" accounts of "unwelcomed romantic advances, unending commentary on the female form and unsettling workplace conduct." >> larry: really? trump's commenting on women's physiques? ever see this guy? he's shaped like a dishwasher. he's got a lot of nerve! trump was quick to speak out against the paper. >> reporter: a defensive trump lashing out on twitter, slamming the report as a lame hit piece, dishonest and a witch hunt ." (laughter) >> larry: a "witch hunt"? well, to be fair, donald trump knows a lot about sexest, outdated searches for women wearing pointy headwear. and trump's not the only one going after the piece. one of the women quoted by th
i am larry, larry, larry, larry. you know what time it is -- let's see what's happening wh the unblackening. oh, sorry. by the way... on saturday, the "new york times" published something that really disturbed me. >> the presumptive republican nominee coming under fire amid new allegations of inappropriate behavior with women, dozens of women revealing to the "new york times" accounts of "unwelcomed romantic advances, unending commentary on the female form and...
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larry! larry! larry! oh, man. so so nice. such a nice crowd here tonight, man. welcome to "nightly show." , don't know how you keep guessing. you're right, i'm larry. as we near the end of 2015, i just want to take a moment to reflect on what has truly been an amazing year for me. i mean a year ago brother didn't have a show, right. so, hey, man, 2015, me and you, we good. ( cheers and applause ) such an amazing journey, guys. of course, soon after i arrived, my white neighbor moved out. ( laughter ) and then the whole neighborhood turned. ( laughter ) so, yeah. ( cheers and applause ) i apologize. i apologize. kind of my fault, really, when you think of it. but, look, i am proud of all we've accomplished in year one. we fixed racism. pretty good. it's no longer lurking in the shadows. now it's out in the open and running for president. yeah. ( cheers and applause ) so, hey, thanks to the fans who've been with us this year. tonight, we're doing a special segment on the show called "before we go." ♪ ♪ christmass-y. i like that. so we spent this past year talk
larry! larry! larry! oh, man. so so nice. such a nice crowd here tonight, man. welcome to "nightly show." , don't know how you keep guessing. you're right, i'm larry. as we near the end of 2015, i just want to take a moment to reflect on what has truly been an amazing year for me. i mean a year ago brother didn't have a show, right. so, hey, man, 2015, me and you, we good. ( cheers and applause ) such an amazing journey, guys. of course, soon after i arrived, my white neighbor moved...
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ask eve. >> larry: eve? [crowd cheering] >> hey, larry! >> larry: wait eve. you're black? >> oh, come on, larry. i'm black, jesus was black, the devil's white. get over it. >> larry: you've got quite the '70s bush there. >> it's coming back, larry! trust me! >> larry: why are you in hell? aren't you the mother of civilization? >> because i ate an apple from the tree of knowledge. apparently, women aren't supposed to have knowledge. plus, when's the last time you told a woman what she can and cannot eat? >> larry: i would never suggest doing such a thing. >> slide over, ladies. make room for amelia earhart! [crowd cheering] >> larry: wait a minute. all you did was fly a plane. why is there a special place in hell for you? >> oh, yeah, she really deserves to be here. >> yes, i attempted greatness larry. and as we all know, only men are great. in the 1930s, a woman's place was in the kitchen, not in the air. >> larry: i can't believe this place exists. this is terrible! >> it's really not so bad, larry. >> larry: oh, let me guess. you're joan of arc or frida khalo. >> nope. j
ask eve. >> larry: eve? [crowd cheering] >> hey, larry! >> larry: wait eve. you're black? >> oh, come on, larry. i'm black, jesus was black, the devil's white. get over it. >> larry: you've got quite the '70s bush there. >> it's coming back, larry! trust me! >> larry: why are you in hell? aren't you the mother of civilization? >> because i ate an apple from the tree of knowledge. apparently, women aren't supposed to have knowledge. plus, when's...
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larry wilmore. that was it here is your moment of zen. >> newt gingrich in his gradual rise in the polls has turned into a surge. >> he wasn't the perfect husband did things that were wrongxd asked god's forgiveness. i think a lot o >> larry: tonightly, ben carson announces he's running for president. i haven't heard anything that shaky since jamie foxx tried to sing the national anthem. (laughter) rand paul says he's glad his campaign didn't stop in baltimore. i've got a good idea of where else his campaign won't be stopping. (laughter) and finally... bill nye the science guy is here. we'll probe the science of a grown man still trying to pull off a bow tie. (laughter) no justice, no peace, no "the nightly show"! let's do this! captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ >> larry: thank you very much! thank you! thank you. thank you! (audience chanting larry) >> larry: oh, that's good! very nice! larry... very good, very good! welcome to the "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. we have a great pro
larry wilmore. that was it here is your moment of zen. >> newt gingrich in his gradual rise in the polls has turned into a surge. >> he wasn't the perfect husband did things that were wrongxd asked god's forgiveness. i think a lot o >> larry: tonightly, ben carson announces he's running for president. i haven't heard anything that shaky since jamie foxx tried to sing the national anthem. (laughter) rand paul says he's glad his campaign didn't stop in baltimore. i've got a good...
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[cheers and applause] ♪ [cheers and applause] ao *ufplt larry larry! larry larry! >> larry: thank you. thank you welcome to the "nightly show." yes! khao *. [cheers and applause] >> larry: i'm larry wilmore. lots to get to tonight. let's jump right in. >> audience: love you! larry: love you too. spread the love around. not now after the show. but oh, man caitlyn jenner's 22-page spread first major media a persons since coming out as a transgender woman in april. now millions of americans are doing the unthinkable. buy a magazine in the year 2015. who of thought we would come to this moment, right? besides the historical implications at 65 caitlyn is the oldest woman to be on the cover of vanity fair by herself. truth. man. [cheers and applause] >> larry: whoo. hey, this is proof that tkphrosy print magazines do take older women seriously. just as long as those older women were once men. right. actually i think it's great. for someone who was the epitome of maleness to now walk as a woman. well done lady. [ applause ] >> larry: not everyone shares that opinion. pres
[cheers and applause] ♪ [cheers and applause] ao *ufplt larry larry! larry larry! >> larry: thank you. thank you welcome to the "nightly show." yes! khao *. [cheers and applause] >> larry: i'm larry wilmore. lots to get to tonight. let's jump right in. >> audience: love you! larry: love you too. spread the love around. not now after the show. but oh, man caitlyn jenner's 22-page spread first major media a persons since coming out as a transgender woman in april....
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captioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: yeah! >> larry! larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. oh, so kind. >> larry! larry! >> larry: thank you, please. larry! oh, we're done? i take that larry back. welcome to "the nightly show." i am larry wilmore. paul f. tompkins is on the panel tonight. very funny, very funny man, very funny man. so it's a few days past iowa and a few days before new hampshire, and they're still trying to de-negrofy the white house. i guess we should see what's happening with the unblackening. ( applause ) all right, guys, okay. i have to talk about marco rubio for a second. so i've noticed a trend in his speeches that is very disturbing. >> ensure that our children grow up with the values that they teach in our church, not the values being rammed down our throat by hollywood. the values they try to ram down our throats. in the popular culture, they keep trying to ram down our throat. ram down our throat. you are not going to be able to ram down the throat. the president should not be ramming down the throat of the american
captioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: yeah! >> larry! larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. oh, so kind. >> larry! larry! >> larry: thank you, please. larry! oh, we're done? i take that larry back. welcome to "the nightly show." i am larry wilmore. paul f. tompkins is on the panel tonight. very funny, very funny man, very funny man. so it's a few days past iowa and a few days before new hampshire, and they're still trying to...
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and congratulations, larry. credit where credit is due -- you did an unbelievable job saturday night. >> larry: oh... wow! thanks? i thought maybe you would come on and say something rude. >> trump: not tonight, larry. you and me, buddy. we're the same. brothers, really. it was fantastic. >> larry: wait. no, no, no, no, no... we're definitely not the same. >> trump: sure, we are. brothers from a different mother. well, from a different mother. except mine wasn't black. >> larry: okay. this is making me uncomfortable. >> trump: not as uncomfortable as the media saturday night. i mean, that was fantastic. you killed those poor bastards -- and they really are poor, so sad, they all dress like hobos. i mean -- >> larry: i didn't -- >> trump: you slayed them. i haven't seen a black destroy like that since the baltimore riots. (audience reacts) you left that room like a cvs. you really did. >> larry: hold on a second. first of all, i was just joking. i did it in the spirit of a roast. it was all in good fun. >> trump:
and congratulations, larry. credit where credit is due -- you did an unbelievable job saturday night. >> larry: oh... wow! thanks? i thought maybe you would come on and say something rude. >> trump: not tonight, larry. you and me, buddy. we're the same. brothers, really. it was fantastic. >> larry: wait. no, no, no, no, no... we're definitely not the same. >> trump: sure, we are. brothers from a different mother. well, from a different mother. except mine wasn't black....
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>> larry: yeah. ike he doesn't seem to be getting in any trouble, where i -- >> larry: trouble? yeah. i accidentally only recorded the second half of the "bachelorette" the other night and my wife almost murdered me. >> i think he convinced himself that he hasn't done anything wrong. i was looking at parts of the deposition, just the fact that he describes all the the things he does with them beforehand. they do a lot of acing, almost like -- acting like hip roll exercises. and then he talks about them about what their goals are. there's this massaging course he gives them first. i think he honestly believes he offers them kind of pre-rape spiritual advancement course. (laughter) and he's sick. he's a lunatic. and i think he actually tells himself that. you know? >> larry: yeah. he really offers them a lot of council before he ruins their lives. >> larry: do you think he's sick or to you think he's convinced he did nothing wrong? >> i don't think 40 people say -- to do that this means that it has to
>> larry: yeah. ike he doesn't seem to be getting in any trouble, where i -- >> larry: trouble? yeah. i accidentally only recorded the second half of the "bachelorette" the other night and my wife almost murdered me. >> i think he convinced himself that he hasn't done anything wrong. i was looking at parts of the deposition, just the fact that he describes all the the things he does with them beforehand. they do a lot of acing, almost like -- acting like hip roll...
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please, please, thank you. >> larry, larry, larry. >> larry: thank you so much, please. welcome to the nightly show. i'm larry wilmore. charlemagne tha god is on the panel tonight, you guys. very exciting. i have to say. last night was a somewhat supertuesday, so let's check in and see what is happening with the unblackening. i got to get the remix of that. all right. after his disappointing performance in florida marco rubio suspended his campaign. he gave a concession speech. yeah. he gave a concession speech and in classic rubio fashion then repeated that concession speech three more times. (applause). >> larry: shutup! , shutup! now but now with rubio gone the question the gop is canning where is his voter going to land. don't know. i don't know. but for more insight let's check in with our with our own ricky velez in florida. hey, ricky. so ricky, what do you think is going to happen with the latino voting bloc? >> oh, i've got no idea. no, i'm not doing that, no. so did you hear about this zoo keeper who got caught jerking off a dolphin? did you -- >> larry: rick w
please, please, thank you. >> larry, larry, larry. >> larry: thank you so much, please. welcome to the nightly show. i'm larry wilmore. charlemagne tha god is on the panel tonight, you guys. very exciting. i have to say. last night was a somewhat supertuesday, so let's check in and see what is happening with the unblackening. i got to get the remix of that. all right. after his disappointing performance in florida marco rubio suspended his campaign. he gave a concession speech....
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i'm larry wilmore. tonight i thought it would be fun to check in with one of my top favorite branches of the government judicial. [laughing] >> larry: that's right in a brad new segment i'm call "what up supreme court." i like that. now really i love the supreme court. i come from the world of sit comes, right. the supreme court is like whacky sitcom characters. you have the perverted mute, the crazy asshole who believes corporations are people. and the sexpot neighbor who maybe the smartest of the bunch, right. so what law is this judicial brayly bunch laying down these days? >> a 8-1 opinion ruling in favor of this pennsylvania man who posted violent messages on his face book page. >> larry: okay. i don't -- why, why. i don't know. not language i'm proud of. i'm kind of a wild man when my tummy is empty alright. what was he posting? >> one of the messages concerning his estranged wife. one way to love you. a thousand ways to kill you. >> larry: one way to love you. a thousand ways to kill you. there a
i'm larry wilmore. tonight i thought it would be fun to check in with one of my top favorite branches of the government judicial. [laughing] >> larry: that's right in a brad new segment i'm call "what up supreme court." i like that. now really i love the supreme court. i come from the world of sit comes, right. the supreme court is like whacky sitcom characters. you have the perverted mute, the crazy asshole who believes corporations are people. and the sexpot neighbor who maybe...